Adulting · Life

Who Am I?

I felt happy today.

I went on a longer walk, cleaned the house, and read. I did really simple task, but I felt happy. It was nice because lately I have been feeling down and hard on myself because I don’t do anything throughout the day, than the usual routine. I actually miss working and making money.

Again, I’m not one to sit around and do nothing all day. I feel useless; I have also been struggling with who I am. These pass couple of weeks,my dreams were all related to my identity. Like me trying to search for it or being afraid of the future. I don’t think that I have lost who I am, I still know, but I just feel like I’m stuck. I guess feeling stuck isn’t what I’m used to. One dream, I ran to my mother in tears and I grab her hand, on my knees.

                “I’m pregnant! I’m so scared. I don’t want it.”

My mom, the loving and caring human she is, takes my hands in one of hers and with the other, she combs through my hair standing me up.

                “We will handle this. We will get through it.”

I looked it up on Dreammood.com, my favorite website for dream searches, and it states that I was afraid of the responsibilities I will take on in the future. I didn’t think I was, but honestly, I’m petrified of the future. I’ll be graduating in 5 months and 14 days. Within that time, I have to literally become an adult. I will enter the real world and I’m scared for my life.

Another dream, my “family,” I say family in quotes because none of the people were my actually family members in real life, but in the dream I called them family, and I were at a neighborhood cookout and I stop in the middle of a conversation and was frantically look around the yard for my “sister.”

                “Where’s Ellie?”

Everyone at the party shrugged their shoulders and continued their conversation. I turned around and saw a little boy staring at a house pointing. I walked to him asking what he was staring at. He turned his head towards me.

                “She’s in there.”

I sprinted through the front door, up the stairs and grabbed this little blonde girl. I carried her down the stairs and out the door. I got sat on my knees and hugged her to me. I got the people who took her arrested and threw a knife at one of the house owners, which got stuck in a man’s leg, and I woke up.

It was so strange to me, so strange I researched more into it. Same website, I was saving the little girl because I was protecting my inner child; protecting who I am. I thought it was so weird that I am having an identity crisis. That I, out of all people, was having issues with who I am. I feel like I still have a good grasp of the person I am, but just sitting around my house, feels like I’ve lost my purpose or something.

I hope everything returns back to normal, dream wise, when I go back to school.

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